u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
