yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
