There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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