Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
