just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Watching her eat just hurts me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
