I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she told me i tasted like america
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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