I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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