I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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