I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
