Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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