I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
