yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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