Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
