Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
