He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
