Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
BRING THE BAGELS
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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