You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
