i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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