if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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