Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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