I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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