can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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