She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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