Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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