Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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