If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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