I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
