I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
