i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
