The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
So much rum. So many feels.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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