I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
