Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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