Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You can't special order awesome
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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