ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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