My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
