What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
