i just sent this text using only my big toe
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i think i scared a bird with my dick
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
