just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
