so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
