Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
