Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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