If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
