tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
