I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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