cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
