I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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