i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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