Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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