In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Someone came in the potted fern
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
