positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
