Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
