I want to make a zoo with you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
