i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am one with the molecules
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
