Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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